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Saturday, January 3, 2015

Bad Mall Santa

     Imagine what it must be like sweating under a fake beard and Santa costume in a loud, brightly lit shopping mall listening to other people's children babbling into your ear about things they want for Christmas. These I-want lists range from the ordinary stuff to asking Santa to use his powers to get dad out of jail. A little girl once asked Santa to bring her boobs as big as mommy's. Another kid wanted a real gun so he could shoot the bad guys who broke into his mother's car and stole his basketball. (This kid wanted revenge more than he wanted a new basketball. All right!)

     There are hundreds of shopping malls in the country and every year almost every one of them hires two full-time Santa fakes. A mall Santa, on average, sees 4,000 children during the holiday season. Rookies earn about $10,000 which comes to a little over two bucks a kid. A veteran mall Santa Claus makes a little more.

     It's amazing that mall managers can find enough men for the job who aren't drug addicts, alcoholics, mental cases, or registered sex offenders. And what about job candidates who simply can't stand being around kids?

     According to the standards of professionalism that comes with the job, these holiday employees have to maintain a jolly disposition. They must also abstain from alcohol just before suiting up. Drinking on the job, of course, will send a mall Santa packing. (Booze might help a Santa meet the jolly disposition requirement.) A mall Santa is not supposed to promise a kid anything. Instead, he is taught to say something like, "I'll see what I can do." In other words, a mall Santa has to talk like a politician.

     Besides the basic job standards, the jolly mall Santa must get along with his Santa helper dressed like an elf. (A mall Santa without an elf is like a singing cowboy without a sidekick.) Elf impersonators are usually little people or small women. (What would be more creepy than a six-foot elf with a deep voice? I have no idea if mall elves make as much as their red-suited partners. I would hope the pay is equal because that job must be just as unpleasant. As you probably know, elf discrimination is a federal offense. Just kidding.)

     At 5:30 PM on Saturday, November 23, 2013, police officers in Hanover, Massachusetts arrested a mall Santa named Herbert G. Jones. The 62-year-old Santa impersonator and his elf partner worked at the Hanover Mall where parents brought their kids to have them photographed with the great giver of gifts. Jones and his elf, an 18-year-old girl, worked for a New Jersey company called Cherry Hill Photos.

     According to the elf, Mr. Jones pinched her buttocks and made suggestive comments while the pair worked at the North Pole photo booth. Police officers hauled Santa out of the mall in handcuffs. (Try explaining that scene to a kid waiting in line to speak with Santa about his Christmas needs.)

     Charged with indecent assault and battery, a judge released Jones on $1,000 bond. But he couldn't return to the scene of the alleged crime because the magistrate barred him from performing Santa gigs until his case was resolved.

     Mr. Jones has strongly denied the elf's allegations. According to his employer, Mr. Jones has no arrest or conviction record. The suspect was due back in court on Christmas eve. Thank God he's not the real Santa.

     In August 2014, following several continuances, the judge set Jones' indecent assault and battery trial for May 4, 2015. If I were this Santa's attorney, I would make sure there are no elves on the jury.

      

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