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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Kindergarten Terrorist: The Hello Kitty Soap Bubble Conspiracy

    Picture ten thousand elementary school teachers and administrators being shaken through a massive intelligence strainer with openings just large enough for people with IQs over 80 to fall through. When imagining the three or four public educators who remain in the big sieve, think of the drooling idiots who run the kindergarten program at the Mount Carmel Area School District 88 miles northwest of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The trouble is, you can't picture these people because on the surface they look and act like folks who have average intelligence and common sense. One would assume, that because these educators are in positions of authority over children, they can be trusted not to make mind-bogglingly stupid decisions. In public education, this is an invalid assumption.

     On January 10, 2013, as a five-year-old Mount Carmel kindergarten student and her classmates waited for their school bus, she and another girl her age were having a pre-schooler type conversation. One of the kids said that when she and her friend got home from kindergarten that day, she intended to shoot her playmate with her pink-colored Hello Kitty gun, a toy in the general shape of a firearm that blows soapy bubbles. According to media reports, a "school official" overheard the insidious reference to gun violence and immediately searched the kid's backpack for the bubble-firing weapon. (I'd like to know who this "school official" was. Are we talking about a bus driver, bus monitor, school guard, or some undercover adult operative?) As it turned out, the little girl was unarmed. But she wasn't out of the woods.

     The next day, the owner of the Hello Kitty toy and the would-be target of the bubble assault, were interrogated by "school officials." (I presume the Hello Kitty grilling was conducted by the elementary school principal and other education administrators experienced in interrogating terrorist suspects. I doubt these schoolhouse inquisitors warned the little girl her Miranda rights.)  The interrogators left the confused and frightened kid in tears. One of the poor girl's teachers told the pint-sized suspect that the police might get involved in her case. (It's a good thing the teacher didn't tell the girl the ATF or the FBI could enter the investigation.)

     The five-year-old must have spilled her guts because someone in position of elementary school authority suspended the kindergarten kid ten days for making a "terroristic threat." (I am not kidding.) The Hello Kitty suspect was also ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation. (Had the undercover school bus operative caught this girl in actual possession of the Hello Kitty contraband, who knows what they would have done with her? I can hear her parents breaking the news that because she's on the no-fly list, Disneyland is out of the question.)

     This kindergarten student's stunned family acquired the services of an attorney who managed to get the school suspension reduced from ten days to two days. The psychologist brought in to profile the girl declared the kid perfectly normal. (Of course after this ordeal, who knows how she'll turn out.) The lawyer will be meeting with these elementary school fascists in hopes of getting the girl's record expunged. (Record? What record? Is she going to be on some kind of terrorist registry? Will she be prohibited from possessing a Pink Kitty? Will Joe Biden ban this toy?)

     The Mount Carmel school officials responsible for this little girl's abuse should be fired, and banned from teaching for life. They are the ones who need psychological evaluations. I would also suggest brain scans for  possible physiological explanations for their pathological overreactions. If these school safety zealots are allowed to keep their jobs, kids who possess squirt guns, pistols that shoot ping-pong balls, nurf bullets, and rubber-bands, could be targeted next. If any of the people behind this alarming fiasco are teachers, I would recommend removing staple and glue guns from their classrooms. (Can you imagine what a junior-terrorist could do with staples and glue? Moreover, I'd keep the duct-tape under lock and key.)



     

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